Rethinking the place of work, rest and play in the 'self-consistent' life

I wrote a post on 'Children's loss of play' a couple of years ago and I continue to reflect upon my central thesis. That is, could the failure of adults to understand the nature of play and its importance, be depriving their children of play, and at the same time offering them life models that might just shape their own use of time in negative ways when they grow up?

In my last post on this topic I cited Kenneth R. Ginsburg's work that suggests play is critical for children and fulfils many needs:

• Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength.
• Play is important to healthy brain development.
• Through play children at a very early age engage and interact in the world around them.
• Play allows children to create and explore a world where they can achieve a sense of mastery.
• Play can also help them to conquer their fears while practising adult roles, sometimes in conjunction with other children or adult caregivers.
• As they master their world, play helps children develop new competencies that lead to enhanced confidence.
• Undirected play allows children to learn how to work and create with others, to share, to negotiate, and to resolve conflicts.
• When play is allowed to be child driven, children practice decision-making skills, move at their own pace and discover their own areas of interest.
• Play is essential for the building of active healthy bodies.

But as well as being important for children, play is important for adults. In 'The Christian at Play' Robert Johnston argues that play is part of life and hence should be part of our consideration of what it means (quoting Thomas Oden) "to live self-consistent and intelligible [lives] of faith in Christian community".

Johnston has many interesting things to say.  As someone who has a spent a lot of time as a researcher observing children at play, I have become conscious that I know less about play as an adult. Here's how Johnston describes play:

I would understand play as that activity which is freely and spontaneously entered into, but which, once begun, has its own design, its own rules or order, which must be followed so that the play activity may continue. The player is called into play by a potential co-player and/or play object, and while at play, treats other players and/or "playthings" as personal, creating with them a community that can be characterized by "I-Thou" rather than "I-It" relationships. This play has a new time (a playtime) and a new space (a playground) which function as "parentheses" in the life and world of the player. The concerns of everyday life come to a temporary standstill in the mind of the player, and the boundaries of his or her world are redefined... But though play is an end in itself, it can nevertheless have several consequences. Chief among these are the joy and release, the personal fulfillment, the remembering of our common humanity, and the presentiment of the sacred, which the player sometimes experiences in and through the activity. One's participation in the adventure of playing, even given the risk of injury or defeat, finds resolution at the end of the experience, and one re-enters ongoing life in a new spirit of thanksgiving and celebration. The player is a changed individual because of the playtime, his or her life having been enlarged beyond the workaday world (p. 34).

His comments are interesting and lead me to ask, might play have a different human value to rest and leisure? Is it a distinctive part of the life of the adult as well as the child, and can my engagement in play bring glory to God and help me to live a life of faith well?
 

We Protestants have always been suspicious of play and idleness, trusting instead in the worth of work and diligence in all that we do. But in the process we have often failed to understand the biblical sense of 'rest' and have been just as confused about 'work and its purposes. We know that God ordained rest at creation when He rested from the work that he had done (Genesis 2:2-3). As well, we know that physical rest has a relationship to spiritual rest and God's ultimate plan and design for us, that we are to seek him in our lives. Our lives are to demonstrate that we understand and seek the only true rest that is to be found in Christ (Matthew 11:28-29). Play is an added complexity because it isn't the same as rest, but it may be pursued as part of rest, as we seek in the midst of life, rest for our souls not just our bodies. Understanding work, rest and play is made even more difficult because in the modern era the place of play and rest, relative to work, has become confused.  Johnston cites some of the following trends:

• As the amount of leisure time increases for some, the meaningfulness of work has decreased.
• While opportunities for leisure and play have increased for some, there has been a reverse trend for many women with paid work adding to many of their previous responsibilities at home.
• For many, work has become simply a means to an end; primarily, a way to increase purchasing power for life, with leisure increasing dramatically as an area of expenditure.
• Free time does not necessarily mean rest, leisure or play for those who Staffan Lindner labelled "the harried leisure class"; those for whom consumption dominates non-working time.
• What people do when they have time away from their jobs can often be simply idleness.

There is much that could be added to Johnston's list some 30 years later. For example, today I suspect that Christians, like people in general, have a tendency to binge on rest and play, and I'm also not too sure that anyone has much more leisure time. For many, there is an inconvenient truth about the dominant place of work, as they seek to earn money to allow insatiable consumption in all parts of life.

In an age where most people feel time poor, and we spend too much time working and too little time entering into rest, a consideration of the role of play in life might just be helpful for many of us. As well, we may need to give careful consideration to the way we model what rest and even play mean in our lives as others observe us.

If you're interested in this topic, you might have a look at issue #24 of Case Magazine on 'Work in Progress'. You might find this helpful.

How will others 'read' us at Christmas?

Children are learning machines. From birth they observe their world and the people who inhabit it. Even if you wanted to stop children from learning you'd find it difficult. We often lament the fact that our children don't (or won't!) learn the things we want them to. But in many ways, a much bigger problem is the fact that they learn lots of things we'd prefer them not to learn, simply by observing us.

At Christmas Christian families have great opportunities inside and outside their homes to speak about and demonstrate the reality that Christ lives (!) in their hearts and lives. And yet, it is easy at times to inadvertently lead people to wonder whether this is so. Our lives can easily provide confused messages and priorities to our children and friends. This is a challenge for all of us not just parents of young children.

So as we approach Christmas it might do us all a lot of good, young and old, singles and parents, male and female, to consider in advance how our family members will 'read' us at this time when we celebrate God's grace and mercy in entering the world in the person of Jesus. It might also be worth taking some time to think about those situations that put us under the greatest pressure. The times, places and activities where and when we fail! I offer some questions below for self-evaluation that I've framed broadly enough for those of us who don't have young children.

Do we speak of God's grace at this time and yet demonstrate lack of forgiveness in our attitudes, actions and words towards and with our family members, fellow Christians, workmates and neighbours?
Do we talk of the love of Christ and yet demonstrate a coldness of heart that fails to show patience, kindness, and gentleness in the way we deal with others?
Do we speak of the generosity of God in sending his Son into the world and yet demonstrate avarice, greed, envy and jealousy?
Do we speak of the priority of Christ in our lives and yet at this time demonstrate in our actions that other things gain priority over our devotion, love and service in Christ's name?

Paul challenges his readers in several of his letters to be imitators of godly men and women who in turn are imitators of Christ (1 Corinthians 4:16; 11:1; 1 Thessalonians 1:6; 2:14). Similarly, the writer to the Hebrew church exhorts his readers to be imitators of those who through faith and patience have inherited the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12; 13:7).

People read us every day. How will they read us this Christmas?

A biblical view of marriage

Post by Edwina Hine

The last few weeks have seen vigorous debate about the institution of marriage in Australia, particularly 'marriage equality' for gay couples. I was reminded of Case Magazine #12 with the theme Family Foundations: What’s important for marriage, parenthood and family life.

This edition of Case did not cover much of the debate surrounding "marriage equality", yet the first article of the publication was a very insightful read on marriage, comparing economic and biblical covenant descriptions of what marriage is. The article entitled Economists, Christians And The ‘Marriage Wars’ (Donald Hay & Gordon Menzies) details the increasingly common economic approach to marriage, and highlights the analysis of Nobel Prize winning economist Gary Beckers. Beckers concluded from his research that it is

“based on the ‘productive’ gains that are available from specialisation in market production and household production, and in the production of children. In the writings of more recent theorists, the gains are then shared on the basis of an implicit contract between the husband and wife.”

The authors then compare the economic view to the biblical or covenantal understanding of marriage, concluding that this relationship is

“an inbuilt goal of male/female relationship ‘…a fact of creation, and therefore not negotiable’…..The biblical understanding of marriage as an ideal social institution identifies five separate ‘goods’ that it promotes—relationship (Gen. 2:8), procreation (Gen. 4), social order (Gen. 2:24), sexual intimacy (1 Cor. 7:3-7) and the provision of material goods that meet the needs of the spouse.”

Again, whilst this article doesn't deal specially with some of the current hot topics surrounding the marriage debate the article is a good introduction to a biblical perspective on marriage. Regular Case readers might enjoy reviewing the article again.

Photo sourced from SMH article 

In the same issue of Case Magazine Professor Trevor Cairney writes about families. The essay is titled The Role of Fathers: Aligning biblical wisdom and research. It is an in-depth look at fatherhood and explores many issues that affect parents particularly dads. Two central aims of the article is to spur

“fathers (and mothers) develop an understanding of what God expects of fathers as men of God; and, second, to encourage further discussion relating to how we can work at reshaping our lives so that those of us who are fathers spend time with our families, loving them, teaching them, instructing them in God’s ways and modelling what it means to “love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

This is a timely article in a month, when it was announced fathers will get two weeks' government-funded parental leave from next year, after legislation passed through Federal Parliament only a few weeks ago. (SMH)

Both articles are available as free downloads from the CASE Website. CASE Associates receive Case magazine 4 times per year as part of their benefits. For blog followers who are yet to be CASE Associates you can sign up HERE or order a single copy HERE.

Edwina Hine (New College and CASE)

New Perspectives on Anglican Education

UPDATE: The book is now published and is available from the Anglican Education Commission, St Andrews House, Sydney. Mailing address PO Box A287 Sydney South, NSW 1235. Email: info@aec.edu.au. Price is $10.95 AUS

I'm one of the authors of a new book that will come out in early December. It is titled 'New Perspectives on Anglican Education: Reconsidering Purpose and Plotting a Future Direction'.  My co-authors are Bryan Cowling and Michael Jensen.  While it is situated in the context of Anglican schooling, it has relevance for all Christian teachers in varied schools and Christian education in general. It is the outcome of a year of intensive reading, thinking and discussion with a group of nine other Christians.  The group was brought together by Archbishop Peter Jensen to consider a simple question posed in his 2009 Isaac Armitage Lecture, “Is there such a thing as Anglican Education?”

To answer this question we drew on the best that there is to offer from the fields of education, philosophy, humanities and the social sciences, and grounded our explorations and study in an understanding of the Bible. We sought to ask three sub-questions about Anglican education:

Why?   Knowing what our priorities and purposes should be in raising children, nurturing them in the faith and teaching them the skills they need for life.
What?  Seeking knowledge of what these priorities and purposes mean for the things we teach.
How?  Making wise and informed choices each day about schooling, curriculum and pedagogy.

We conclude from our work that an understanding of God’s plan for humanity should also shape our purposes for education, its content and the way schooling, teaching, curriculum and pedagogy are implemented. What we do as teachers is meant to help the children we teach to take their place as grown humans and mature citizens in the family of God. If we hold to such a purpose, then it matters what the priorities of the Anglican school are, how we teach, how we encourage learning, the nature of the social structures we promote, the methods we use to discipline our children and so on? If we keep our sights fixed on the goal of seeing children knowing, accepting and following Christ, does it matter how offer them education in our schools? We think that it does, because there is a relationship between our priorities shaped by the gospel, our faith in Christ, how we live out and speak of this faith, and our actions (Phil 1:27; Jas 2:14-26).

Haro Van Brummelen reminds us in 'Stepping Stones to Curriculum' that knowing, being and acting are all tied together in the biblical view of knowledge. In short, we cannot allow the ‘What?’ of education to become a list of curriculum content, or a set of lesson plans divorced from our biblical understanding of God’s purpose in creating us. He has made us as creatures who learn and for whom he has specific plans and purposes. 

We don’t believe for a minute that we can offer a simple prescription for how Anglican Education should be constructed and sustained, or exactly how we should teach mathematics (or any other subject), or which content should be in or out of the curriculum. But we do believe that all teachers can look to God’s Word to gain wisdom and insight as they grapple each day with what education means and how it can be used to bring honour and glory to our Creator.

With a right view of God and our relationship to him we are set free to consider research and writing about all that is foundational to education and teaching. But how do we do this? One of the challenges for all Christian teachers is how we relate that which was taught to us at university with what we continue throughout life to learn about our relationship to God. Our project and this book, is all about this tension.

To be an Anglican School is to be a different school, not just in the results we achieve academically or socially in the leadership roles that our graduates take on, but in how the very institution is used redemptively by God; not just in the lives of the students and families associated with the school, but in the wider community.

Similarly, when looked at from the perspective of the teacher, we conclude that to be an Anglican teacher is to be a different type of teacher. It would be our hope that the Anglican teacher is someone who is being transformed into the likeness of Christ, one different in character, motivations, moral views and purposes.  But we would also argue that the teacher in an Anglican school is also one who in teaching children reaches qualitatively different decisions day by day as he/she nurtures and teaches the children God has entrusted to them. Just as the Bible offers us guidance on how not to act, it also teaches us how to act as a child of God (Eph 4:17-5:21). As well, we want to argue that the Bible offers us wisdom that enables teachers to make wise choices day by day as we make numerous decisions about what, how and why we teach.

While the parent body might well choose to send their children to an Anglican school to achieve academic excellence, or to meet all the 'right' people, above all, our schools and their teachers must surely seek to create a classroom and school environment (perhaps community is a better word) in which children grow in body, mind and soul. At the core of this is the extent to which all that the teacher and the school does communicates the wisdom of God revealed in Christ.

The book culminates in a challenge to consider the fundamentals of pedagogy that will help us to create Anglican schools and classrooms that are different. It also outlines the next steps in this project that we hope will widen the conversation.  'New Perspectives on Anglican Education: Reconsidering Purpose and Plotting a Future Direction' is published by the Anglican Education Commission. It will be available from December and will sell for $10.95 AUS.

The Mark of a True Man

Rev Al Stewart wrote an excellent short piece titled 'The Making of a Man' in the May 2011 edition of the Christian newspaper 'Eternity'. In it he quoted Steve Biddulph who is the author of a number of books that deal with men and boys, including 'The New Manhood'. When asked what is the difference between a man and a boy Biddulph replied this way:

"Boys care about themselves, men care about other people"

Like Al Stewart, I think this is a key insight, for it is an important part of what it means to be a man in the varied roles we serve as husbands, fathers, leaders, bosses, brothers, mates and so on. God has made men different to women, not just in terms of physical strength and appearance, but also in the way we complement women. He has also given us special and distinct roles within the family and marriage.

When I last made reference to Steve Biddulph in a post I titled 'Other People's Children' (here), I spoke of the influence of just 'a few decent men' on my life - a 4th Grade teacher, a neighbour, and the owner of a pinball and slot car shop. None of these men were Christians, but all provided good models in varied life roles including husband, neighbour, teacher, mentor, business owner, father and husband. All had a significant influence on me and God used this for my 'good'.

Al Stewart suggests that we should recalibrate what we consider impressive in a man. "The mark of a man is the care he shows for others".  And he's right! This is an important part of male character. Those who know God must seek to honour him in all they do. We respond to his grace, love and the mercy shown to us in Christ, and in turn serve, protect, represent, guide, help and lead others. There are many other human virtues, but surely servanthood is a very important one and the ultimate model of servanthood will always be Christ.

There seems to be much confusion about the making of a man. How do we judge the worth of men? Women, what do you look for in a man? Men, what do you see as important in other men at work, at home, in the community, in relationships? Think of the imperfect men who have had a positive impact on us and contemplate why? Al Stewart is right, we do need to think in new ways about what makes a true man.

Other posts and articles from CASE on fathers and families

1. An article I wrote on 'The role of fathers' in Case 12 (here).
2. How time spent with children matters (here).
3. The impact of the loss of time spent sharing meals (here), and the role of fathers more generally (here).
4. The shared responsibility we have with communities for other people's children (here) and in the church (here).
5. A number of more practical posts about fathers on my other blog 'Literacy, families and learning' (here).
6. Apologetics in Family Life (here)
7. 'Marked by my Dad' (here)

What's Worth Censoring in Children's Literature? Beyond Misdirected Piety

Some readers of this blog may be aware that I write a blog on children's language and literacy learning - 'Literacy, Families & Learning'. I also have a long-term interest in children's literature and have published widely in these areas. I have been seeking for many years to reconcile good secular scholarship, my theology and writing on Christian education. This is challenging. I don't always agree with the things I see written by Christians in the field of education. It seems far too easy to use a shallow form of piety or offer up appropriate theological language to dismiss ideas in the field of education without thinking biblically about the myriad decisions we make daily as teachers and parents. As I have shared in previous posts on censorship (here) and Tedd Tripp's views on physical punishment (here), I'm puzzled at times by the views of some of my fellow Christians hold when commenting on education. One area of ongoing bafflement, which I suspect is symptomatic of different biblical application, is the children's books that are banned or challenged by parents.  While Christians aren't the only people to object to some children's books, many have questioned some of my favourite books, including 'Where the Wild Things Are', 'Bridge to Terabithia' and 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer'. Lists of frequently challenged children's books (here) contain a number of books that I value highly, or would use, as well as some that I wouldn't want my children to read.

It is clear that in the last twenty years authors have pushed the boundaries of appropriateness for the child reader. This alone should be reason enough for any Christian parent to be very careful about the things that their children read, and even the books that might be set for study at school. But while many parents complained when Susan Patron's book 'The Higher Power of Lucky' was published in 2006 with the word 'scrotum' on the first page, few seem to complain about books that promote other topics like nationalism, militarism or versions of humanism that many Christians. Nor do some Christian parents question the view of the world promoted in many TV teen dramas, videos, musical lyrics, teen magazines etc.

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Professor of Philosophy at Yale University, offers some wisdom on this topic in 'Educating for Life' (p. 43):

There is rampant in our Reformed community, as I guess there is in most Christian communities, the belief that the great dangers in literature are obscenity and profanity. Thus, we wage strong campaigns to keep the eyes and ears of our children from "filth" as we call it. We have not the slightest compunction in allowing our children to read paeans of praise to nationalism, to financial success, to humanism, to militarism - just provided they are "clean"...What the Christian school absolutely must do is educate its constituency to these issues. It must teach them to be discerning as to the message of literary works. And with them - not against them - it must face up to the issue as to wherein lie the really serious threats to the moral and religious life of young children, and adults as well.

I hope that Christian readers of this blog do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am not against censorship and in fact managed to ban a number of televisions shows, teen magazines and the odd book when my children were growing up, but much more of my time was spent talking to them about the things they read, viewed, listened to etc.  And if I had an objection (as I did have to Dolly magazine), why did I hold it. In the process, I was helping them to apply their growing understanding of the purposes for which God had made them and his expectations for the life that he had given them. This is surely one of the most fundamental challenges for parents and Christian teachers, and is one of the true 'basics' in Christian education and parenting.

The Tyranny and Challenge of Time

Life is busy! It seems at times that almost every conversation involves telling someone that we're busy, or listening to them saying how busy they are. I have to work very hard at not including in my responses to questions like "How are you?", words like "Not bad, but I'm very busy", "Flat out" etc. But it isn't just our words that signal that we are (or feel) busy. Ever noticed the things people do in traffic (ever thought about what we do in traffic ourselves, and why)? Yesterday I saw a woman flossing her teeth as we nudged towards a traffic light. This seemed almost a bridge too far to me. I've also witnessed people:

• Shaving (electric!)
• Doing their nails
• Talking on the telephone (hands free and non-hands free), even sending SMS messages
  
• Putting on mascara, lipstick, eye line, face powder, moisturising cream
• Plucking eyebrows
• Reading the newspaper
• Reading books and magazines in slow moving traffic or at every set of lights
• Going over business papers
  
• Doing their nails
• Putting on a tie
• Using central and side mirrors for all many of body checks
• Hair combing

There was a time when we did all this stuff at home before we walked out the door. But this age is so fast paced, and we are so time poor, that people continue to try to find time wherever they can get it.

But while the above examples might make us laugh, and are at the very least a road safety risk, there are some more serious consequences for those of us struggling to manage our time. I've talked previously on this blog about the loss of family time (here) and meal time (here), but it seems that we now find it hard in this country to find time for just about anyone outside the nuclear family. This in itself is not good for families, it would seem to me that the last thing we want to teach our children is that all the time in families is devoted to the support of the members inside the house (the nuclear family). What might we be teaching our children about serving others, sharing our lives and faith with others, being a neighbour, citizenship, our view of heaven and eternity etc?

The 2009 OECD Social Indicators report has shown that Australians spend less leisure time with friends than just about everyone. Only 3% of our leisure time is spent entertaining friends (compared to 43% in Turkey). By way of contrast, Australians spend 41% of our leisure time watching television or listening to radio. It seems that when we're not at work, or doing our daily ablutions in the car, that we're holed up at home.

It also seems that Christians are not immune from this. In fact, Robert Banks suggests that it may be worse. In his publication 'The Tyranny of Time: When 24 Hours Is Not Enough' he says:

With respect to time, Christians are a good deal worse off than many. This is especially the case if they live in a large city, belong to the middle-classes, have managerial or professional positions, or combine outside employment with substantial household responsibilities.

Christians and people raised in a Christian setting tend to take their work more seriously than others. They also place a high value on family obligations. And they are often in the forefront of community and charitable associations. The upshot of this commitment to work, community and family is, as my eldest son commented: ‘Christians are like trains—always on the move, always in a rush, and always late.'

Such a frenzied lifestyle has consequences. Health can suffer, relationships can become strained, family members can become neglected, opportunities for ministry curtailed, fellowship with God interrupted, models for life communicated that we never intended. As we become too focused on the things of earth, we lose sight of the things of heaven. In relationships alone, at work or in the neighbourhood, we can easily lose sight of what is important to God. Banks suggests that our failure to be good stewards of time can have negative consequences for relationships in very subtle ways:

Consequently our encounters with others are becoming more and more limited and instrumental. We associate rather than interrelate, hold ourselves back rather than open ourselves up, pass on or steal by one another rather than pause and linger awhile. The number of our close friends drops and the quality of our married life diminishes

Why do we stay so busy?

Writing this post is challenging for me, I am not immune to these issues. In fact, those who know me best probably think my life is too busy. Why do we become so busy?

There can be many and varied reasons. For example:

• Some are busy due to personal circumstances which may be out of their control. If you are a single parent with little family support who has to work to live then there will be less time to do all that life requires.
• For some, work has an unhealthy hold on us and is far too central to our sense of self worth and identity.
• Some have an unhealthy sense of their own worth and assume that if they don't do things that no-one else will be able to.
  
• Others may be busy simply because they want so much materially, that longer hours, and maybe even a second job, seem necessary to feed our need for things.
• Some may make themselves busy at work to avoid doing things they find harder (e.g. staying longer at the office to avoid providing child care, domestic chores etc at home).
• Selfish ambition or perfectionism can drive us to give an unhealthy amount of time to work.
• Others may have addictions that act as 'black holes' sucking large amounts of time from our lives (e.g. online shopping, social media, blogging, gambling etc) and not leaving time for others.

Somehow, we need to remind ourselves that life on this earth is fleeting and short (Psalm 39:4-5), that God has plans for our time, and in fact he has appointed times for all things (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). We should understand that God makes all things beautiful in his time and that we should enjoy the things that he has given us (Ecclesiastes 3:9-13). There is also a responsibility to use our time wisely with full knowledge that the day of the Lord fast approaches; we need to avoid the lure of the desires of the flesh (Romans 13:11-14). Paul urged the Ephesian church to be careful with their lives and their time:

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is (Ephesians 5:15-17).

The phrase that Paul uses "making the best use of" can also mean to "redeem" or "purchase". We need to get back lost time, or use it well.

As Christians we need to guard our walk and not grow weary in doing good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith (Gal 6:9-10). We also need to know when to slow down, to step outside the rush of life and focus our hearts only on our God. Jesus demonstrated this again and again in his earthly life.

J. Hampton Keathley in a useful article, 'The Stewardship of Time' reminds us that:

Being a good steward of the time God gives is not really a matter guarding the minutes so we can spend our time productively. Certainly we need to wisely use our time, but even more importantly we need to have a grasp of time in the sense of understanding the great events of God in history, past, present, and future as they are set forth in Scripture in the grand scheme of the plan of God.

We are citizens of heaven living on earth for but a short time as "sojourners and exiles" (1 Peter 2:11). This should change our attitude to how we use our time. It is a time of darkness that will throw up untold challenges as we battle with the desires of the flesh. As we await the Lord's return we are to act as ambassadors for Christ, seeking to make disciples of all of the nations (Matthew 28:19-20).

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31)

Related posts and resources

Robert Banks, The Tyranny of Time: When 24 Hours Is Not Enough, InterVarsity, Downers Grove, IL, 1983, p. 32.

'Time and the Family' (here)

'The loss of mealtime: Is it important?' (here)

Other People's Children (A Reprise)

When I first blogged on this topic in September 2008, it was in response to a great question that Tim Adeney had asked in a blog he was writing at the time.

"How do you feel about other people's children? Do you see them as people worthy of your time, effort, prayers and affection?"

I've been encouraged to revisit this topic by an excellent post my daughter wrote recently on her blog 168 Hours titled 'The Disappearance of Caring Adults'. In it she presented a great quote from Steve Biddulph and ended with a few questions of her own, one of which was "How can we make ourselves more available to our children, and other people's children?" I've repeated my last post on the topic (with a few minor revisions) because I think it's such an important topic that touches all children and families.

Love your neighbour as yourself

Tim's question of course was directed to those in the church, and is worth asking within the church alone, but I have always felt that as Christians we are far too ready to place a fence around our concerns for others. As I reflect upon questions like those from Tim and Nicole, I can't help but think about how I was treated as a child and the impact it had on my life. While there is good biblical justification for the priority that parents are to give to the care, concern and spiritual growth of their children, we can easily become oblivious to the needs of our neighbours. By neighbours, I mean the broadest sense of the word, the Luke 10 sense, where Jesus challenges the expert in the law ("lawyer" ESV) who had just tried to challenge Jesus himself. You no doubt know how it unfolds; the lawyer asks, "What shall I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus responds by asking him "what is written in the Law?" The lawyer then quotes from Leviticus 19:8 - we are to "Love your neighbour as yourself." Jesus then responds with the well-known parable of the Good Samaritan and makes it clear for the lawyer that the extent of his love and concern for others should extend beyond his family and fellow Jews even to a stranger (Luke 10:25-37), in fact in other places Jesus extends this even further - "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:43-45). Jesus makes it clear that the Christian life must demonstrate this type of neighbourliness.


Some decent men and women in my life

When I reflect on my first 31 years as a non-believer and atheist, I can identify a number of decent men and a couple of women, who took an interest in me; who saw me as their 'neighbour'. These were men and women demonstrated in the richest sense of Jesus' parable what it is to be a neighbour to other people's children. I'll share how just two of them did it.

There was Paul, the owner of the local slot car track and pinball hall. As a young teenager I would spend up to 25 hours per week at the slot car track - playing pinball machines, racing and repairing slot cars, messing around and hanging over the counter talking to Paul about sport, cars, girls and life in general. Paul had his own wife and two children and his mother-in-law living with him. He was a devoted husband and father even though like most small business owners he worked long hours. He was always quick to give advice - "Don't talk like that!" "Don't you need to go home to do some school work?" "Do your parents know that you're here so late?" "What are you going to do with yourself when you leave school?" "One day I want to be able to tell people that you're an engineer, not unemployed."

There was Mr Campbell my 4th grade teacher. I was a grubby and chubby little kid who would try to sit at the back of the room, with the seat out of my hand-me-down pants and a neglected appearance that was brought to the attention of DOCs on at least one occasion. He was the first teacher who recognised some things in me that others had missed. He took an interest in me in and out of the classroom. He would talk with me in the playground when I drifted towards him. He would encourage me inside the classroom, calling on me to answer questions when my hand didn't go up, setting me work that would challenge me, talking patiently with me when I messed up, and looking for ways to challenge me. He gave me several jobs. One of them was to put me in charge of the brand new school aquarium with tropical fish. I'd never seen tropical fish before. I'd seen goldfish and the mullet I caught from the creek, but never fish like this. I was entrusted with the only local source of knowledge "An introduction to caring for tropical fish" and encouraged to take care of them; and I did with great success. Eventually, he gave me my first public speaking opportunity, a talk I delivered on tropical fish to the class. I was now an expert on something.

There were other people too - a baseball coach, a cricket coach, a single woman who lived next door called Evelynne, a high school geography teacher, Mrs Clarke across the road, and the father of one of my closest mates. All demonstrated that they were concerned for me and that they were interested in my life and my welfare. None of these people were Christians, but all were decent man or woman who had a significant impact on my life, second only perhaps to that the only significant Christian influence, my grandfather. While God was to use a variety of Christians later in my life (between the ages 20-31) building on my Grandfather's godly example, God also used these decent non-Christian men and women in my formative years.

The challenge

For me the challenge as a Christian is this. If God can use a few decent men and women who didn't know him or his eternal purposes, how much more can God use godly Christian men and women in the lives of their neighbour's children? We all need to ask, how available am I to be used in similar ways? In fact, how can I ensure that I am seeking to be used by God in this way? Am I even conscious that God might use me this way? Of course, I know that God expects me to do more than live alongside people, he wants me to share my faith in Christ with others. But how seriously do I take to heart that I am to love my neighbour as myself? And perish the thought, am I so bound up with caring for my own nuclear family that I have no time or interest in my neighbours (young and old)?

There isn't space to go into much detail, but my personal challenge, and one I hope readers will share, is for each of us to do a quick assessment of the type of neighbour we are to the other families even in our street or apartment block. Of course for this to happen, our lives need to intersect with their lives in some way. How can we make this happen? This will vary depending on our circumstances - whether young or old, married or single, male or female etc. If for example, you have a young family, you have a great opportunity to involve yourself in other people's lives. When my children were growing up my wife and I had wonderful opportunities to be involved with other families. For us there were three areas where we had numerous opportunities outside the church:

• Through school - we got to know parents and children at bus stops, in the playground, at school events and in the community. In one street where we lived our house was an open house for all 23 children in the street (21 of whom were girls!).
• Through sporting teams - my daughters played sport summer and winter in the primary school years and generally I ended up coaching their teams. As a result, I had opportunities to know the team members and their families.
• Through other out-of-school activities like dance classes and music lessons.

I have no idea what influence my wife and I had in these years but I do know that we were enriched by these opportunities, and that we began to develop a concern for these children and their families. With this came opportunities for prayer and for us to share our faith. As well, our own daughters saw us relating to other children, which I'm sure was helpful for them in the formative years of their faith. Christians must not be part of the disappearing group of "caring adults" that Nicole talks about in her post.

Related posts

I wrote an article on families in Case 12 (here) that considers research evidence on the importance of fathers have a special role.

I’ve also written a number of previous posts about families, including:

a) how time spent with children matters (here),
b) the negative impact of the reduction of time spent sharing meals (here),
c) the role of fathers more generally (here),
d) shared community responsibility for children in crisis (here),
e) being a church that welcomes and includes children (here).

Finally, I've written a number of more practical posts about fathers on my other blog 'Literacy, families and learning' (here).

How will our children 'read' us this Christmas?

Children are learning machines. From birth they observe their world and the people who inhabit it. Even if you wanted to stop children from learning you'd find it difficult. The hard part about being a parent is that often we don't have the degree of control that we'd like in the things that our children learn. We often lament the fact that our children don't (or won't!) learn the things we want them to. But in many ways, a much bigger problem is the fact that they learn lots of things we'd prefer them not to learn simply by observing us.

The major task of the parent is to shape their children's character. I doubt that there is any parent, irrespective of their worldview or faith, who would not want to influence their children for good. But unlike the humanist who assumes that all people are basically good or capable of becoming good people, Christians believe that all people are marked by sin and require God's intervention and salvation. The Bible teaches that the "..intention of man's heart is evil from his youth" (Gen 8:21), so consequently, one of the major tasks of the Christian parent is to train our children's hearts. Our aim is not simply to shape behaviour, but instead we seek to influence their foundational beliefs. We do this in many ways. Clearly we set limits on their behaviour and try to train them to demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-26), but as Tedd Tripp points out in his book 'Shepherding a Child's Heart', it is easy to spend most of our time focusing on our children's behaviour and to neglect the need to train their rebellious hearts that produce the behaviour (Luke 6:45). We need to work constantly to orient our children towards God. We do this in many ways.

By teaching them about Christ and their personal need of forgiveness and redemption.
Through the example that we set for them and the extent to which our own behaviour reflects the orientation of our own hearts towards God.
The priorities that our family life demonstrates - how much is life within our families shaped by our faith in Christ and our desire to know him better?

At Christmas Christian families have great opportunities inside and outside their homes to speak about and demonstrate the reality that Christ lives (!) in their hearts and lives. And yet, it is easy at this time to demonstrate inadvertently the opposite in our words and actions towards others and hence provide confused messages and priorities for our children. While my children are grown up, I still have a responsibility to provide an example to my children and grandchildren, and members of our extended family. And I still find it challenging to provide a message in my actions that matches my faith in Christ and the priorities that I say have shaped me.

So as we approach Christmas it would do us all a lot of good to consider in advance how our family members will 'read' us at this time when we celebrate God's grace and mercy in breaking into the world in the person of Jesus. I offer some questions below for self-evaluation that I've framed broadly enough for those of us who don't have young children.

Do we speak of God's grace at this time and yet demonstrate lack of forgiveness in our attitudes and actions towards our family members, fellow Christians, workmates and neighbours?
Do we talk of the love of Christ and yet demonstrate a coldness of heart that fails to show patience, kindness, and gentleness in the way we deal with others?
Do we speak of the generosity of God in sending his Son into the world and yet demonstrate avarice, greed, envy and jealousy?
Do we speak of the priority of Christ in our lives and yet at this time demonstrate in our actions that other things gain priority over our devotion, love and service in Christ's name?

Paul challenges his readers in several of his letters to be imitators of godly men and women who in turn are imitators of Christ (1 Corinthians 4:16; 11:1; 1 Thessalonians 1:6; 2:14). Similarly, the writer to the Hebrew church exhorts his readers to be imitators of those who through faith and patience have inherited the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12; 13:7).

Our children read us every day. How will they read us this Christmas?

Related posts

My review of Ted Tripp's book 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' (here)

'How not to teach children to gamble' (here)

Apologetics in family life

Apologetics has relevance in all parts of life, including our families. Whether in our nuclear or extended family, we need to be prepared to give a reason for our faith, not just by responding defensively to our family members’ tough questions, but more positively as we give reasons for the Christian faith we hold and how this has relevance for our lives. I suspect that readers of this blog with teenagers, who are encountering new ideas, philosophies and beliefs and are asking difficult questions, will appreciate what I am suggesting.

A key priority for every parent is to regularly remind our children what we believe, why we believe it and how this has shaped our lives. My reflections on this topic have been helped in recent times by re-reading 2 Timothy and by my reading (and recent review) of Ted Tripp's book 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' (see my previous post here). While I have some concerns about his book, it is difficult to dispute that the focus in parenting should be on the child's heart, rather than just their behaviour.

In the midst of the cut and thrust of family, it is easy for parents to fail to look beyond behaviour to the rebellious heart that produces it (Luke 6:45). Our primary effort should be to ensure our children internalise the message of the gospel, so that as they grow older they will "choose this day whom (they) will serve" (Joshua 24:15). A key part of our role is to remind them of the things that we were taught by faithful men and women. As we "Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David..." (1 Tim 2:8) we are to remind our children of these things and why we believe them (1 Tim 2:14). Remembering and reminding - two key tasks for parents!

This may be a daunting task for parents, but there is a great word of encouragement in Paul's second letter to Timothy, particularly for those who have seen their children resisting the truth that they have taught them. Just as Paul trusted in God for the well being of Timothy, so too parents have to trust in God for the spiritual well being of their children. While it is our task to remind our children of the truth that we have taught them, we do this in the power of God. We remind our children to “Follow the pattern of the sound words” (2 Tim 1:13) that they hear from us, as we read and study the Bible together and as we share our faith in the midst of life; but our children cannot guard this truth in their own strength. The “good deposit” can only be guarded “…by the Holy Spirit who dwells within us”. Is there any wonder that Paul “constantly remembers [Timothy] in his prayers night and day” (v3)? He thanks God for Timothy's faith (v3) because ultimately Paul knows that it is God who made Timothy into the man that he is.

Paul challenged Timothy never to be ashamed of his faith in Christ (2 Tim 1:8-10) but to hold to this faith no matter what the cost and follow the pattern or standards set for him by Scripture:

Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you (2 Timothy 2:13-14).

Family apologetics, like all apologetics must be prayerful, and done in the power of God. We need to seek God's wisdom for the words to share with our children and the power of the Holy Spirit to work within their hearts. This is the nature of the task set before us as apologetic parents.



Case Magazine

Readers interested in thinking more about the nature of apologetics should watch out for our next edition of Case magazine which has as its theme "To give a reason". This will be out in September

Children and Innocence

The following is a guest post from Greg Thiele who attends Petersham Baptist Church and is an Associate of CASE

A (Christian) friend of ours recently told us that for his son’s upcoming eleventh birthday, he is planning to take the boy and some friends to see an M-rated movie. We were surprised, to say the least: it is not so very long ago that we cautiously started allowing our children (ten and eight) to watch selected PG films.

What is wrong, one might ask, with an eleven-year-old (or an eight-year-old, for that matter) watching an M-rated movie? Are my wife and I too conservative? If most parents allow their children to do it, can there be anything wrong with it?

The first part of my answer lies in the guidelines for movie classifications themselves. According to advice from the Australian Government Attorney-General’s Department (here), films classified “M” are “not recommended for persons under 15 years of age”. Certainly, films with a given rating can vary greatly in their content and potential impact: but this rubs both ways. PG films, for instance, which apparently are regarded as innocuous by the great majority of parents (judging by the ages at which many children start watching them) can range from very mild, with perhaps one or two moments that, say, a six-year might find frightening ('The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe' is a good example of this), right through to films that are aimed principally at an adult audience and contain commensurately adult themes, and are therefore fundamentally unsuitable for children (this is going back a bit, but 'Drop Dead Fred' is an example of this latter kind that I am familiar with).

One of the concerns with PG films is that the term “Parental Guidance” is probably not clearly understood by some parents. The idea is not that all PG films are OK for children to watch as long as their parents watch along with them, and explain any confronting bits. Rather, it is that parents should exercise good judgement in deciding whether the film is suitable for their children in the first place (if necessary, by watching it first themselves, or at least having a very clear idea of the content). Perhaps “PD” (Parental Discretion) might be a more helpful term. Whatever the ages of their children, this is an area where parents need to exercise considerable care and wisdom.

The main concern is that children might be confronted with images or concepts which they do not have the ability to process or understand; and having a parent sitting alongside them will not necessarily have an ameliorating effect: my wife tells of a shocking image from a film she saw as a young child, in the company of her parents, which has stayed with her all her life. The effects of being exposed to such images might not be immediately apparent.

The tendency for children to be allowed (or even encouraged!) to watch films containing material they might not be mature enough to comprehend or otherwise process constitutes an aspect of the trend in contemporary society for children to be “pushed on” to the next age level in their thinking and habits. This is particularly evident in the case of young girls (so-called “pre-teens”) – a matter about which there has already been considerable debate. As parents of a ten-year-old girl, we experience the resisting of this trend as a constant battle: so often, it seems, children are encouraged to act/think/look in ways which, a couple of generations ago, would have been appropriate for children at least a couple of years older.

What is driving these changes? To suggest that the agenda is purely commercial seems simplistic; yet there is probably some truth in it: the more aware, savvy and (ostensibly) mature a child is, the more sophisticated (and expensive) will be the “toys” they will be in the market for, and the greater will be the gains for those manufacturing and selling (not to mention advertising and marketing) those commodities. Role models in the entertainment industries also probably play a part in encouraging children to look and act older than their age: and the kind of access today’s children have to images of celebrities via computers, DVDs and mobile phones was not yet even in the realm of fantasy when I was growing up 40-odd years ago.

Why, as a society, do we seem to find it difficult to let children be children: to grow up at their own pace, as it were? There is no easy answer. Perhaps it boils down to a question of innocence, and how we are to understand it. The bible does not have a sentimental attitude towards children: they are clearly represented as being implicated in the essential loss of human innocence that occurred at the Fall: “Surely I was sinful at birth”, writes the psalmist, “sinful from the time my mother conceived me” (Psalm 51:5). Yet it is possible to set alongside that truth a sense in which children are innocent – unversed in the ways of the world – and therefore in need of our protection.

Scripture clearly points out that children are a blessing from God, to be welcomed, as Jesus commanded us (Mark 9:36-37). We are to love our children - with compassion and tenderness (1 Thessalonians 2:7, 11,12; Psalm 103:13) - and provide them with the good things of God’s good creation (Luke 11:13).

Part of our duty of love and care towards our children consists in protecting them from influences that have power to harm them: whether from commercial interests that would see children as just another commodity to be exploited; or from societal influences that are less easy to define or understand, but no less dangerous for that.

Photo credit - Google Images

Jacob's Inheritance

On Sunday 12th July (Carmen’s birthday!) my eldest grandson Jacob Henry Cairney Starling was baptised by full immersion aged 6! As my daughter Nicole said in her own blog post about this recently, “Some of our friends might be thinking that this is a few years too early and others will be thinking that it's about six years too late!” Needless to say, I was deeply moved watching young Jacob being baptised because it was testimony to the grace of God and his work in Jacob's life and our family. Jacob had become convinced from his reading of Acts with his Dad that as a believer in Christ he should be baptised. His parents after much discussion and consultation decided that there was no biblical reason not to let him be baptised, and many good reasons why he should, if that was what he desired.

The faith that led Jacob to want to be baptised is a wonderful reminder to me as his Grandad of the grace and kindness of God towards our wider family. For like the young Timothy who Paul noted had a faith "that dwelt first in [his] grandmother Lois and [his] mother Eunice" (2 Tim 1:5), Jacob's faith was evidence of the grace of God that had previously brought many to faith in his wider family. God had been at work in Jacob's father’s family (the Starlings) with family members across many generations demonstrating faithfulness to God. Similarly, in his mother’s family (the Cairneys) God's grace is obvious. There are less recent generations of Christians, but similarly there is much evidence of God’s grace and kindness, for in his mercy God saved Carmen and me as 31 year-olds at a critical stage in our children’s life (when they were just 5 and 3). As well, though we were both raised in non-Christian homes, God gave each of us godly grandparents. Jacob has a rich heritage of God’s faithfulness, grace and mercy.

But ultimately, Jacob like all of us, must have a personal faith in Christ and a preparedness to commit his life to following him. As Joshua challenged the Israelites, we too must hear the call of God and “choose this day whom [we] will serve” (Joshua 24:15). In one critical way the role of Jacob’s parents is similar to that of Paul with the young Timothy (who Paul sees as his 'child'); it is to remind Jacob of what they have been teaching him about Jesus and what he is learning himself as he reads the Bible. Paul challenged Timothy to never be ashamed of his faith in Christ (2 Tim 1:8-10) but to hold to this faith no matter what the cost and to follow the pattern or standards set for him by Scripture:

Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 14By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you (2 Timothy 2:13-14).

Paul's words to Timothy are very much the language of the parent for his child. Jacob's parents will similarly continue to challenge Jacob to hold to his faith and the teachings he has heard from them and that he now explores himself as he reads God's word. And of course his grandparents and Jacob's wider family collectively accept their responsibility to remind him of God's promises in Christ. Through the grace and kindeness of God Jacob's faith will hopefully grow and deepen and his family will continue to encourage and support him.

The task of nurturing a precious young child of God is of highest of importance for parents and family. This task might seem daunting to some parents. But there is a great word of encouragement to families in Paul's second letter to Timothy, particularly those who have seen their children resisting the truth that they have taught them. Just as Paul trusted in God for the well being of Timothy, so too parents have to trust in God for the spiritual well being of their children. While it is our task to remind our children of the truth that we have taught them, we do this in the power of God. While we remind our children to “Follow the pattern of the sound words” (1 Tim 1:13) that they hear from us, and by reading the Bible, our children cannot guard it in their own strength. The “good deposit” can only be guarded “…by the Holy Spirit who dwells within us”. Is there any wonder that Paul “constantly remembers [Timothy] in his prayers night and day” (v3). He thanks God for Timothy's faith (v3) because ultimately Paul knows that it is God who made Timothy into the man that he is. So too, this is the hope of Jacob's parents and his grandparents, that God will complete the work in our child and grandchild that he initiated and sustains through his Spirit. I praise God for my grandson Jacob and his godly parents and pray that God's grace will continue to be evident in their lives as they trust in Jesus.

Below (left to right): Tim Blencowe (Pastor of Macquarie Baptist), Jacob's Dad David and Jacob

The disappearance of mutual respect

A sorry saga

In Australia over the last week or so the big story (especially in the tabloids) has been a series of scandals facing a football club, the Cronulla Sharks Rugby League club. I won’t bore everyone with all the sordid details, but it would be helpful for international readers to know the details of one incident that involved a high profile former rugby league star who is now a very high profile television commentator (here). As part of the ongoing story of male sexual abuse and exploitation of young women, the Australian Broadcasting Commission’s program Four Corners exposed the details of an incident that had occurred in New Zealand some seven years ago in which it was alleged that a high profile footballer (Matthew Johns) and an unclear number of team mates (possibly as many as nine), were involved in sexual activities with a 19 year old woman in their team hotel. While the woman had gone willingly with the men to their room and appears to have consented to a sex act with at least two of the men, it is alleged that matters got out of hand. Police had investigated the matter and no charges were laid.


The response from the community has been varied and at times confusing. Many have been supportive of Johns pointing to the fact that there were no charges and that the woman appeared to have consented to the activities, that a workmate in recent times had gone public and claimed that the woman boasted about the event later rather than being traumatised. Just as many were quick to call for Johns to be sacked as a television host (and he has been) and see it as an example of football players showing no respect for women and using their fame to exploit them for their own sexual gratification. Others have pointed to the need for the game to clean up its image noting (for example) that the use of scantily clad cheerleaders was degrading to woman and simply fed a culture of exploitation of women. A small number have bravely pointed to the young woman’s actions, asking the question, but “why would a 19 year old woman go alone to a hotel with a football team and then invite at least two into a room with her for consensual sex?”

Dignity for manhood and womanhood

The discussion in the media highlighted has highlighted for me the gulf between community standards of behaviour and biblical teaching on how men and women should relate to one another.

John Piper preached a sermon some 20 years ago titled ‘Manhood and Womanhood: Conflict and Confusion After the Fall’ in which he discussed the Bibles teaching that as a consequence of sin there is confusion between the roles of man and woman:

“Maleness as God created it has been depraved and corrupted by sin. Femaleness as God created it has been depraved and corrupted by sin. The essence of sin is self-reliance and self-exaltation. First in rebellion against God, and then in exploitation of each other. So the essence of corrupted maleness is the self-aggrandizing effort to subdue and control and exploit women for its own private desires. And the essence of corrupted femaleness is the self-aggrandizing effort to subdue and control and exploit men for its own private desires. And the difference is found mainly in the different weaknesses that we can exploit in one another.”

God gave woman to man to live in relationship to him. This relationship is meant to:

• Reflect equality of personhood in the sight of God, with equality of dignity (1 Peter 2:17; 1 Tim 5:1)
• Be based on mutual respect where each tries to honour not exploit the other
• Be a life of harmony as men and women work together for each other’s good
• Demonstrate a complementarity that respects the differences between man and woman and affirms and values them.

This is still God's expectation in spite of the corruption of sin. But how far western society has drifted from the Bible’s picture of men and women living with mutual respect for one another.

The point of this post is not to lament the actual incident, but simply to ask two (of many) questions I’ve had rattling around in my head as I’ve reflected on the matter.

What is it that creates a large proportion of young men who think that women are simply sexual objects to be exploited and used for their own pleasure and purposes?

We could answer with ‘sin’, but how is this operating in ordinary lives, and why do things seem worse than before? In one sense, young men are no different now than at any time in history. As always, as men move into puberty they begin a stage of sexual inquisitiveness, a search for their identity and desire to know how they should relate to young women as they pass from being boys to being men. The media’s coverage of the football saga has been all about cracking down on young footballers, of tougher rules, of no alcohol during the season, of minders etc. These are just bandaids which while perhaps useful, would have no impact on the root cause. It is in the first 12 years of life (before puberty) that attitudes to girls and the right way to treat them should be developed in families. Once puberty is reached every young boy needs strong male role models who can help them to work out who they are and how they relate to young women. They also need to see right models of young women relating to young men. It is primarily in the home that they should learn about these things. But how do they learn these things? In lots of simple ways, for example:

• In the way men relate to their wives and other women in their lives.
• In the television programs that we permit our young men to watch and the books and magazines that we allow them to read.
• In the unbridled access we allow to the Internet and gaming and the values that they reinforce.
• In the music and video clips that we allow them to listen to and watch.
• In the friends they keep and our lack of scrutiny of their activities.
• In the lessons we teach them about alcohol use or abuse.
• In the examples that male teachers, football coaches, and community leaders of all kinds set for young boys.

The above comments beg the question, what if there isn’t a male in the house? It becomes harder, but that’s where in communities we should be prepared to share responsibility for other people’s children (see my previous post on 'Loving your neighbour's children' here).

Why are many young women prepared to tolerate the behaviour of these young men and actually place themselves in positions of subjugation?

My second question may well lead to some protests and the claim that I’m blaming victims, but I’m not trying to do that. I’ve been working with young adults for over 30 years as a university academic and head of a residential college and so have observed at close hand the behaviour of young men and women. I’ve been shocked in the last decade or so at the extent to which young women have been prepared to accept behaviour, language and attitudes that previous generations would never have permitted. Young women do have to take some responsibility for their own actions; they can say no, and they can say 'don't act towards me like that'. And yet, young women receive so many messages that their value is judged by their attractiveness to men, that their identity and worth is often judged by the extent to which men want them. It is not surprising how desperate some women are to attract male attention. How do young women learn these things?

I think the answer is similar to that for young men, in the first 10-12 years of life. As young women reach puberty they too need strong role models both male and female to help them to understand how they should relate to young men. Again we set the patterns at home in many ways. To a large extent the ways we do it are just the same as for young boys: the models we set, the access we allow to TV, videos, Internet, magazines, but also the way we dress them and begin to almost make objects of desire with bras at 8 years and make-up even earlier.

For girls, the pressure is even greater than for boys, as they are constantly bombarded with images from advertising, television, magazine and the internet that seek to portray the ideal women in looks and behaviour. As with boys, parents, teachers and others with leadership roles need to set rules and boundaries that we encourage them not to cross. In the years of puberty boys and girls will constantly test us and they will be looking for us to help them judge what is right and wrong. As they try to work out who they are they do want our help, even when at times it doesn't seem like it. Maintaining strong relationships in these critical years is vital if parents don’t want the major influence in their teenagers’ lives to be their friends and the images of popular culture that constantly bombard them.

The time families spend together and the things they do matter. Does it matter (for example) if the family sits down to watch ‘Big Brother’ together? Yes it does, for it provides one model, which we endorse through our actions of what it is to be a man or woman, and offers an insight into what some young people value. It’s a series of very small steps from the attitude and behaviours of the people in such a program to the type of behaviour that we’ve seen demonstrated by the high profile footballers in Sydney, and sadly, even the behaviour of some of the women that they prey on.

Joan Jacob Brumberg (1997) in her book ‘The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls’ offers this key insight:

“Contemporary girls seem to have more autonomy, but their freedom is laced with peril. Despite sophisticated packaging, many remain emotionally immature, and that makes it all the more difficult to withstand the sexually brutal and commercially rapacious society in which they grow up” (p.197)

Young men and women today are pursing a freedom which is simply a form of slavery. The Bible teaches that true freedom can only come through a relationship with Christ. Becoming a disciple of Christ is an act of self-surrender; self-surrender leads inevitably to slavery; and slavery demands a total, radical, exclusive obedience. Paul wrote to the church in Rome:

17But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, 18and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. (Rom 6:17-18)

Rather than being a slave to the world and self, we can serve the living God. And the wonderful thing about serving God is that we are free to be the people we were designed to be, not those that the world is trying to convince us to become. And this is true freedom, for as Jesus taught:

“If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:34-36).

Advice to parents

In world hostile to some of the values that the average reader of this blog would hold, good parenting is critical. I wasn’t perfect as a father but I was available and involved and I was prepared to set rules and boundaries and work with my wife to help our daughters negotiate the tricky waters of the teenage years. No they wouldn’t be going to any party where there was alcohol under the age of 18. No there wouldn’t be a ‘Dolly’ magazine in our house. “No you can’t watch that program on TV” etc. Sometimes this was very hard, but as a Dad (with Carmen their Mum) I was determined to set clear boundaries. All the time we were setting limits and rules we were striving to keep our relationship strong and open so that they would want to ask us tough questions which God willing we could answer wisely. Sound biblical teaching needs to drive this of course, and active involvement in church, youth groups (with strong teenage models as leaders) etc. Above all else, we wanted our children to grow in their knowledge of Christ and to commit their lives to following him.

It is a difficult time to be raising teenage girls and boys, parents need to reflect on their roles, the messages they send to their children and the attitudes, behaviour and values that they promote often unwittingly. It seems difficult to fight against the disappearance of mutual respect, but we share collective responsibility to fight against its demise and the fight starts in our own families.

Related Links

Women’s Forum Australia has some wonderful material that deals with issues facing women today, research on body image and female sexuality (here). The magazine opposite is a wonderful collection of short pieces on the challenges facing young women today.

John Piper's sermon ‘Manhood and Womanhood: Conflict and Confusion After the Fall’ (here)

New Zealander Celia Lashlie has written a book about how to raise good men. You can listen to an excellent radio interview with her recently. This is an interesting perspective from a non-Christian with much wisdom that we can learn from (here). Her book 'He'll be ok: Growing gorgeous boys into good men' would be invaluable for parents with rebellious teenage boys (here)